The Pillow Rebellion
by Wayne Chan
It’s been a good run. Heck, it’s been a great run.
For 22 blissful years, I’ve avoided the bane of many married men’s existence. I’msure if you’re a married man, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about decorative bed throw pillows. You know the ones. They’re decorative. They are thrown off the bed before you go to sleep. That’s why they are called “Throw” pillows. They serve no purpose except to exist.
Every other part of the bed serves a unique, functional purpose. The mattress, the box frame, the sheets – they all make sense. Regular pillows – a cool, soft, support for your head – of course you need pillows.
For 22 years we’ve managed to survive without decorative throw pillows on our bed. Now we have them. Please…someone tell me what we’re supposed to do with them.
In a perfectly passive aggressive way, I’ve tried my best to convey my irritation with these useless interlopers who have invaded my bed.
Before I go to bed, I quickly fling these pillows off the bed, where they sit scattered around the bedroom until morning. Even if I wanted to neatly place them somewhere else in the room, there’s no where for them to go. We have no cabinets designated for “useless objects to be stored overnight”.
So, the pillows lay on the floor, perfectly positioned for me to trip over if and when I need to get up in the middle of the night.
In the morning, to continue with my passive aggressive protest, I will make the bed, putting everything in it’s proper place except for the pillows, which remain on the floor.
For a couple of days now, my wife Maya will look at me with a stern look on her face and say something like, “You didn’t make the bed.”, which is actually code for, “These pillows are now part of the bed making ritual. Get your act together and pick them up off the floor.”
When I go for the direct approach and express my displeasure over having these pillows in our lives now, particularly when they serve no real purpose, her response is, “They do serve a purpose. They look nice, like a painting.”
I don’t remember the last time I passed one of our paintings ever having to take the painting off the wall and fling it across the room and then put them back when I pass by them again.
Even if you could argue that the only function these pillows really need to provide is as a decoration or as a way to impress, I just don’t see it.
We’re not the type to try and show off anyways, but even if we were, what’s the likelihood that we would invite friends over and say, “After we show you our new pool and our brand new car, how’d you guys like to check out the new decorative pillows sitting on the bed? Not interested? OK, you’re loss!”
The only purpose I’ve ever seen for decorative throw pillows on a bed is whenever you watch a movie where there’s an Arabian prince lounging about on his bed, he’s always surrounded by beautiful women either feeding him individual grapes or fanning him with a long palm leaf. Whenever I see that in a movie, yes, the bed has plenty of decorative throw pillows.
So, unless my wife is willing to feed me tortilla chips as I’m lounging about on the bed watching Sunday night football, I think these pillows have got to go.